062210

I write too many blogs.  Not blog posts.  But like, I have too many blogs.  I have this one, my main one, my cooking one, my penny pincher one, my memory one, my harry potter one, my old personal one.  So what do I do about it?  I'm considering starting an old testament one as well.  [sigh]  I'm considering deleting this one.  What's the point of blogging my random thoughts when I don't even tell anyone it exists?  Sure, people could stumble upon it.  I haven't hidden it.  It's listed in my profile.  But who would even care?  I write this for me; not for anyone else.  I've got MacJournal now.  I have a ramblings journal in there.  I haven't written in a long time.  Not here, not in my journal.  But when I do write, why would I write here instead of there?

If anyone actually reads this, can you tell me one good reason why I should keep it as a blog?

If I do switch completely to the journal, should I delete this?  Or just never update it?  Hmmm...

041010

I bought a swimming suit today. A tankini. My first tankini ever. I used to be opposed to them because they were still a two-piece. Over time I stopped really caring, but still never saw myself buying one. Last year we went to Lake Powell and all the girls there except me had tankinis and it was proven to me over the course of a week that not only can tankinis be perfectly modest, but much more convenient when you want to do things like go to the bathroom. I was sold. There was also the fact that I had a newborn baby and my body wasn't exactly, err… my pre-pregnancy size. So I couldn't use my cute bathing suit I had purchased only a few years prior. Oh no. I had to go back to one I bought at the beginning of college that has this loose fabric on the front that hides any excess belly. Why I bought that as a freshman in college, I have no idea. I liked the color? (Which, btw, was brown. Various shades of brown.) So the thought of a tankini appealed to me. If one part of me happens to grow bigger than another, I can just replace that part instead of the entire swimming suit! Marvelous idea, really.

So I was walking through CostCo today when I happened upon a stall of swimming suits. Modest swimming suits. Tankinis. Cute tankinis. So I started browsing, finding one I liked, then called BJ to say, "Hey. Do you think we'll be swimming any time this summer? Should I buy a tankini?" He agreed that I should. (What ever happened to being frugal!?) (Also note, by buying a tankini we must now make swimming a priority!) So I glanced through the sizing chart, pretending I remembered my measurements. Gone are the days where I can casually pick up a small and throw it into my cart. Even the days where I might stop and consider, "Maybe I should step up to a medium." Nope. I went straight to the medium, sighed, then went for the large. I held it up, I stretched, I pulled, and I thought it'd fit. Unfortunately, CostCo doesn't have changing rooms. So I figured I'd take it home and if it didn't fit, I'd bring it back and go up a size (heaven forbid). Then I looked at the different bottoms. The traditional panty-like bottom, or a skirt. Well, I seriously dislike the panty-bottom, so I went for the skirt. (PS, this proves that I still have not recovered my full brain-power after pregnancy. Why? Because a tankini top and a skirt bottom do not a modest swimsuit make! In fact, very much not so! [sigh] Of course I didn't realize this until I got home to try it on…)

So I tried it on and noticed several things. One, as we just discussed, I needed a bottom beneath the skirt. Two, halter top bathing suits don't work for me. Nor did the lacy trim under my breasts. See, I have a very unusual body shape. I have a large bust and hips, but really narrow shoulders. So anything that emphasizes my bust in turn emphasizes how small my shoulders are and I suddenly look like an upside-down pyramid. Not attractive! So I took it back. I found the same print on a traditional strapped top and some nice solid brown bottoms and brought them home.

But first I stopped at Walmart where I had a rather stupid emotional experience at the checkout that I won't get to here, but can be summed up with the checker chastising me for not using the dividers, and me helping out the lady in front of me that didn't have quite enough cash to pay for her purchases. Mix that with me being a girl that cries at Hallmark commercials and… well, I think you get the picture. My emotions were ripe for the picking.

So I get home and I try on the tankini. Good points: 1) The bottoms weren't as bad as I feared. Sure, they show off my sexy cottage cheese thighs, but whatever. I can always wrap up in a towel when I'm out of the water. 2) The traditional straps work much better on my shoulders. Much more flattering. 3) The tankini top is long and (obviously) stretchy. It should last for a few years and various pre-, post- and pregnancy phases and shapes. At least belly-wise. Bad point: My bust is way too big for it's own good. I don't understand how I'm not a bigger cup size than I am. Seriously? It has been plaguing me since partway through pregnancy when I started having to buy a new bra every month or so because I outgrew my last one. So, without getting into too many details (y'know, in case anyone ever reads this…), let's just say that I'm a wee bit big on the bottom and side.

I've dealt with this sort of thing before. (Btw, I hate bra shopping. Brings me to tears almost every time.) My first reaction was to roll my eyes and chuckle humorlessly. My next reaction was to run out to BJ and exclaim, "Am I seriously going to have to buy an XL because my breasts are so huge?!" And then I proceeded to sit in his lap, bury my head in his shoulder, and cry.

Don't worry. He's a good husband and he held me, let me cry, then comforted me. He reminded me of things like the fact that I'll be weaning Kessa soon and will probably drop in size a bit. And he told me that he honestly couldn't see anything. (Ok, fair enough. He doesn't know to look for the love-handle off the side, and the bottom portion was still covered up by fabric. I think that one would be more a lack of support and comfort thing than a visual problem.) That boy really does know how to make me feel better.

Still don't know if I'll keep it and hope for the best or return it and save the money for a future purchase when I actually know what my size will be during swimming season. (Nor do I know what future pregnancy #2 will do to my bust size. ARGH. I HATE THE UNKNOWN!)

Mix this all with the fact that I've been trying to lose weight for months now, and thus very conscious of my weight and size. (Even though, I must admit, even I don't think I look fat yet. Even if the Wii Fit tells me I'm borderline overweight.) Result? A very tragic, emotional day.

So… actual thoughtful part of this post. If I were to go into a tailor and have her make me a swimming suit from just my measurements, when it came back fitting perfectly, I would have left happy. Instead, I went to a store with sizes on the swimming suits. I took an arbitrary value and let it define my self-image. Had I been given a handful of swimming suits in different sizes (and perhaps each in a different color or pattern) to try on, I probably would have picked the one that fit best and I would have left happy. Instead I grabbed the size I hoped I was, was disappointed that even in the store it was obvious it wouldn't fit, moved up to the next (unfortunate, but I'm learning to deal with) size, found it mostly fit except one part, then burst into tears at the thought of moving on to the next, and largest size.

Is this a product of society? That I've learned what size I was once and still want to be, and thus any size larger than that thus makes me unacceptable? Am I really buying into the Skinny is Best motif? I didn't think I ever did. I thought it was stupid. But then again, I've always been skinny. (Stupid body shape notwithstanding.) I've never had to deal with all of my clothes suddenly not fitting before. I've never before toed the line of being overweight. It's really easy to say you believe one thing when you've never been tested personally. It's quite another thing to actually be in that position and wonder what you really believe.

How do I fix this? How do I recreate my perception of myself? How do I look for clothes that fit and ignore the sizes? Heh. For that matter, how do I find clothes that fit at all? (Have I mentioned my stupid body shape yet?) (Perhaps calling my body shape 'stupid' isn't the best way to change my self-perception, eh?)

I would test this resolve by going back to CostCo on Monday and exchanging my top for an XL, but today was the last day they were selling them. I was too distraught earlier to make yet another trip and to cave and get an XL. I still have the option of simply returning it. Maybe I'll have to wait for another, less emotional, day and try it on again. Also keeping in mind that my breast size fluctuates all the time during the day. I dunno. Do I do that? Do I just return it? Do I keep it and hope my chest shrinks when I wean? Do I return it and buy another one later when I know my actual (for that moment anyway) size? (At, probably, a much higher price.)

Ugh. I need sleep. G'night vast world.

020510

I've always thought that, were I a witch (in a Harry Potter universe, of course) that I would enjoy studying Potions. (Preferably with a different teacher than Snape.) I think I'd be decently good at it. I like the idea of following a "recipe" exactly to make something perfect. I think that's why math appeals to me. If you follow the rules exactly, then the intended result will happen every time. If it doesn't, you did something wrong. Try again. And the idea of measuring and finding the perfect ingredient to make the perfect potion appeals to me. Perhaps it's because I like to cook.

But then, when I think of it that way, it's rather intimidating. I like to cook, but I don't know how to deviate from a recipe or really how to make one up. I don't know how to use spices. I don't know the magical properties of various ingredients. Remember? Math-minded. I have to follow someone else's recipes. I don't know how to be creative.

Oh, but it'd be different in a magical world, I tell myself. I would be in Potions classes that would teach me just that. I'd learn what the properties of various ingredients are. And then I'd be able to deviate with confidence, kind of like Harry in The Half-blood Prince. I'd be awesome.

And then it hit me. I can do that with cooking. If I really wanted to be awesome at cooking like the fictional witch in me thinks I would be, I could. At Hogwarts I'd have to learn those in a class. I'd end up doing research and writing papers on various Potion ingredients… but I'd learn them. It may take 7 years at school, but I'd do it. I'd have the desire. So why not do that in real life? Why not transfer that same study to my Muggle self? I could study up on various ingredients and their properties in cooking/baking/etc. and then I'd be able to use them properly. I would be able to use trial and error.

Of this, I must ponder.

020210

Instant gratification.

I like to believe that I'm a frugal person. I like to believe that I'm smart with money. Granted, I can date my wisest money decisions to after I was married to BJ. Apparently I need him to be wise with money. :) Then again, he tells me that I'm the one who manages our money so wisely. So I guess the combination of us is the real winner. Anyway, point is, I do a lot to save money and pay off debt fast. (If all goes according to plan, we could pay off our mortgage in 7 years. Granted, that assumes that we'll still be living here and won't have bought a second home while renting out this one…)

I have a flaw. I can live without a lot of things, but when I want something. When I really want something. I want it now. Recently I decided that I wanted a food processor. Well, that's a lie. I decided it a long time ago. And so far, it's been on my list of things that I really want but can't afford, so I'll continue to live without until I become rich. Also on my Christmas Wish List. Recently, however, I decided that I don't want to wait that long. Problem is, within an hour of that decision, I also did our budget and realized that we're poor. And since I won't be working this year, we'll have less money to spend than we did last year. And we'll have a mortgage for all of the year instead of only half with a much cheaper rent for the other half. And Kessa will start eating more and so we'll have another mouth to feed. And clothe. (Kessa. Not her mouth.) And what if I get pregnant? There are lots of costs with that. (Which, tangentially, I'm seriously considering doing my next birth at a birthing center or at home. Crazy? Perhaps. But it just feels right. Plus, they'll let me eat during labor. But… more on that later, I'm sure.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. I want a food processor. At the same time I realize that we need to cut back on spending. A lot. You see the problem? Yeah. Well, being brilliant, I found a solution! I could cut costs by limiting our grocery budget to $200/month. Or rather, $100/paycheck. I've had a grocery budget before, but unless I'm really paying attention and tracking closely, I often don't live by it. I needed another way. So I pulled $100 cash out of the bank. That's all I get for groceries this paycheck. So I planned 2 weeks worth of meals, making them yummy, but cheap. Then I went grocery shopping. I actually had to keep a running total in my head. (That didn't work since I was on the phone with Mom, so she got a calculator and kept a running total for me.) I haven't done that in a very long time. But I did it. I left the store with a short list to get at another store and $50.56 in my wallet. I didn't go to the other store. And it looks like I'm going to be able to cross a meal or two off my list anyway (other dinners are cropping up other places) so I don't think I'll need to buy that extra stuff. Maybe I'll end up with $50 this paycheck! That would be a great start. I want a nice food processor. Like, $200 worth.

Long story short, I ended up looking up a specific (yet random) food processor on Amazon. It just happened to be 47% off. $99. But the sale ended the next day. [sigh] I might have $50, but I don't have $99. And I won't even get a chance for that other $49 until the next paycheck. Which is much past the next day. Decisions. Do I stick with my goal of saving up cash for it? (Ok, I had cash for it, but that was supposed to go to savings. It's not like I'd be going into debt to buy it.) Or do I save $100 now? I mean, $100 is a lot of money. I would be frugal to save that much money. But I would also be frugal to save up my money first.

Decisions!

I bought the food processor after talking it over with BJ. I mean, chances of me getting a nice one for $99 later? Slim. I'd have to save up for twice as long and end up spending more money. But we compromised my two decisions. I bought it today, but I can't use it until I've saved up the money and paid back our savings.

I really want to use that food processor. Like, now.

Instant gratification.

All day today my mind has been thinking, "Stop sitting at the computer! Go save some money!" … And how do you plan on doing that, Mind? I don't have an income. I have to save money. Not earn it.

I suppose I could go start crocheting some hats and stuffed animals and hope that I could get someone to buy them. But what are the chances that I'd get someone to buy them RIGHT NOW? [sigh]

But I want it.

I don't even have it now and I'm already coveting the use of it.

How am I supposed to teach my children delayed gratification?

But doesn't being frugal for so long and being so far out of debt count for anything??

Just deal with it, Tianna. Buck up. Grin and bear it. You'll get it soon enough. Much sooner than you would have otherwise. Much, much sooner. Just hide it when it comes, and forget about it.

Good luck with that.

012810

Days where everything goes wrong. Kessa was awake for a half an hour last night around 2, but was just whining and would keep putting herself back to sleep, so I didn’t go in. But I was still awake. Then she woke up a half an hour earlier than normal. I think bad days always begin with lack of sleep. Apparently I just need sleep for my emotions to function properly. Then BJ had to leave early, so I couldn’t have him watch Kessa for a bit while I got more sleep. But it was on my request that he left early, so I can’t really complain. Hopefully that means he’ll come home earlier. Then the Internet didn’t work. It’s amazing how many little things I want to do that require the Internet. (Like blog this, for example. Thank goodness for text editors.) Luckily, Kessa went down for her nap without much of a fuss, though, the nap was earlier than normal because she woke up earlier than normal and was being fussy. But now she’s awake WAY too early. I don’t know what to do. It’s going to throw off our whole day. I keep hoping she’ll go back to sleep, but I don’t think she will. I got my Wii Fit Cycling done, anyway. And it’s the best (balloon count wise) that I’ve ever done. I got all of the balloons that I know the position of. But apparently that wasn’t enough. So I wrote them all out to see how many I got. 16. There are 20. There are 4 balloons hidden somewhere. I guess tomorrow I should spend more time searching. I suspect there might be one hidden in the maze of the city. It would be a good place to hide. There are so many buildings and you’d have to check the alleys in between each of them. I really need to shower and wash my hair, but I can’t now that Kessa is awake. And I wanted to finish my Wii Fitting, too. I need to lose weight. I hate hanging on the border of normal and overweight. I want to get further into the normal zone. I wonder if I’m actually 5’5”. That would make a difference in my BMI for sure. I’ll have to remember to have BJ measure me tonight.

I really don’t have a whole lot I want to do today. It’s just that the things I want to get done are mostly things that I wanted to get done during her morning nap. Wii Fit. Shower. Hair. I’d love to take a nap, but that may have to wait until her afternoon nap.

I wonder if she’s teething again. Her second top tooth is really close. She didn’t suck her fingers when I put her down in her crib. That is often a telling sign. She sucks her fingers to self-soothe, but when her teeth hurt, she won’t put her fingers in. Maybe I should have put some Ora-Gel on or given her some Tylenol. I may have to try that for her next nap if she won’t suck on her fingers again. I need her to sleep. You know the saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Well, that might be true. But I think it goes a step further. “If baby ain’t happy, Momma ain’t happy. And if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Also, “ain’t” is a funny word to look at when you type it multiple times. I wonder where it came from. It’s not a contraction of anything I know. Perhaps it’s an accent thing? Maybe it’s a legit contraction of something in a Southern accent.

Kessa has been quiet for the last couple of paragraphs. That is good. Maybe she really is going back to sleep. But what can I do? Her crib shares a wall with the shower. Will I wake her back up if I shower? But I’m sweaty and gross. I need one. I suppose I could use the other shower. It’s at least on the other side of the bathroom. Is it worth moving all my stuff to the other bathroom? Showers don’t always wake her up. Usually I take one during her morning nap and she’s fine. Often I even have time to dry and straighten my hair before she wakes up. Sometimes I feel like I’m being held a slave to my baby. It’s a really good thing that I love her to death.

I suppose I could just take a nap. And just be sweaty in my nap. I could always shower later and just feel gross all morning. I could also do more Wii Fit. I still have over 100 calories to burn. I can do that in about 20ish minutes, though. If I do Super Hula Hoop (10 min) and Expert Boxing (10 min). But I’m not really in the mood. Remember? Lack of sleep = bad mood.

At least BJ did the dishes last night. Now I don’t have an excessively dirty kitchen to taunt me as well. There’s still a bit of a mess, though. Mostly from this morning. I guess I could use my time to clean. That’s good to do in my sweaty clothes. Cuz then if I get them dirty while cleaning, it’s ok.

I have a fear that this blog is often going to be filled with “I’m in a rotten mood and need to just get everything out.” Because that’s often when I need to talk and don’t want to. I know BJ wants me to talk during those times, but what’s the point of saying “This is wrong and I hate this and blah, blah, blah” when I know that tomorrow, none of those things will matter? The only times those talks are helpful is if he’s doing something to bug me. Because then I tell him and either a) I realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal and I’m just being silly or b) he realizes that he’s doing something to bug me, and he hadn’t realized, and he agrees to stop doing it. Both of them lead to happier Tianna. But what good does it do to whine and complain about everything that’s going wrong when I know that the only reason it’s bugging me is because I didn’t get enough sleep?

Really. I can handle not having Internet. People did it for thousands of years. I’ve done it before. Internet is not my life. It’s just that I’m in a bad mood, so it’s something I can blame part of my bad mood upon. It’s a scapegoat for my foul temper.

I just need a nap. Maybe I should go take a nap right now. Leave the house a mess and my body gross and just sleep. Because then maybe I can handle life this afternoon.

I’m just afraid that if I go take a nap, Kessa is going to wake up in the middle of deep sleep and then I’ll just be more tired later.

Y’know, being a stay-at-home mom really is exhausting. It’s funny. I can take a nap, but that’s part of why my job is tiring. Because I’m afraid that taking a nap will make me more tired. Where is the logic in that?

What is it about rambling about absolutely nothing that I find so therapeutic? I do this when I type, especially. I can go on and on and on about absolutely nothing. Maybe I find typing therapeutic? I suppose that’s possible. Except I don’t think it’s my fingers. I think it’s my brain. I really do think that it’s good for me to just funnel excess thought out of my brain. Let it rest. It’s nice not to have to think about what I’m thinking. Does that make sense? I can let it flow out of my fingers without caring about what is coming out. I can just type without thought to composition. I don’t need to worry about fragmented sentences. I don’t have to put like thoughts alike. If I wanted to just throw something completely random in here, I could. If I have a thought that corresponds to something I said earlier, but I’ve moved past that topic, I can. Doesn’t matter.

I really need to get to bed earlier.

It’s hard to go to bed early. That’s my time with BJ. I want to be with him. But I’m also so tired. I just need make our few evening hours together more worth it. From Kessa’s bedtime to her dream feed, I need to just spend time with BJ. Kick the Internet, Wii, books, everything, out the window. Just spend time with him. Though, it is sometimes nice to just both sit on the couch and read together. Somehow, reading a book is different than the computer.

I don’t know.

My nap time is wasting away. Why am I still sitting here writing? She’s been asleep for awhile now. Maybe I’m safe to start my typical nap-time routine again?

Maybe I’ll just go shower. I can finish Wii Fit later. Boxing and Hula Hoop don’t make me sweaty. And I desperately need to wash my hair. It hurts. I’ll bet that contributes to me being Mrs. Grumpypants.

Hrumph.

Free Writing

I've been listening to Harry Potter lately and have recently been reminded of the Pensieve. It is a basin in which one can store one's thoughts and memories when the mind has become too full to hold them. At first, Harry has no idea what that feels like. More and more lately, I have felt like that. My brain is just full and swirling. There are so many ideas and random thoughts swirling through my brain that I feel like I'm going to explode. I just need to get them out onto paper. And so I pull out paper and have no idea what to write. Is it a to do list? Is it a feeling? A spiritual prompting? Is it a thought that has no words? Is it just gibberish? So more often than not, the page stays blank.

When BJ and I were first dating, he would often ask me out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" Often I'd be able to tell him. Other times, though, I'd have to translate my thoughts into words, and it wasn't always easy. I vividly remember telling him once, "I'm not sure. But it's red." Or another time I recall telling him that it was a map, kind of like the kind you'd see on the inside front cover of a fantasy book. And that there were pine trees being drawn. And there was a hole in the middle.

For the majority of my life I've had thoughts that just don't make sense in words. Colors, shapes, pictures. I've often considered asking other people if they think like that, too, but I've never really known how to explain what I'm asking. So I just don't. After dating BJ, though, and having opportunity to try to translate thought into words, I found it was kind of fun. It was a wonderful outlet. Sure, BJ still probably didn't know what I was actually thinking, but he was closer to me in a way that no one had ever before considered.

Tonight I had a lot on my mind. It started with Taralyn and sorrow and death and love and gratitude. I blogged about that, though, and still my mind whirled. I fed Kessa and thought about how nice it would be to just free write. Just write. No thought to format, or even making sense to anyone but me. I thought about blogging, but would anyone else care? But would I ever read it again if it was just on a file on my computer? Probably not. And then I thought of a Pensieve and how nice it would be to just pull thoughts out of my head. What if there really were a medium in which thoughts could make sense? What would it look like to someone else to put their head in my Pensieve and see my thoughts? Would they see the same random shapes that I do? Dumbledore says a Pensieve holds thoughts and memories, but we only experience the memories in the books. What would thought look like?

The two thoughts merged and a free writing blog was born. Tianna's Pensieve. Here are my thoughts. Maybe even sometimes my memories. I give no guarantees that they'll ever make sense. But I want to write. I don't care if anyone ever reads it. I want an outlet. I want to become good at writing, and I'll never do that if I never write.

I think it might be working. My brain isn't swirling so fast now. More a gentle swirl. This is much more comfortable. It's blue, in case your curious. But that at least makes sense. At least, it does to me.