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Days where everything goes wrong. Kessa was awake for a half an hour last night around 2, but was just whining and would keep putting herself back to sleep, so I didn’t go in. But I was still awake. Then she woke up a half an hour earlier than normal. I think bad days always begin with lack of sleep. Apparently I just need sleep for my emotions to function properly. Then BJ had to leave early, so I couldn’t have him watch Kessa for a bit while I got more sleep. But it was on my request that he left early, so I can’t really complain. Hopefully that means he’ll come home earlier. Then the Internet didn’t work. It’s amazing how many little things I want to do that require the Internet. (Like blog this, for example. Thank goodness for text editors.) Luckily, Kessa went down for her nap without much of a fuss, though, the nap was earlier than normal because she woke up earlier than normal and was being fussy. But now she’s awake WAY too early. I don’t know what to do. It’s going to throw off our whole day. I keep hoping she’ll go back to sleep, but I don’t think she will. I got my Wii Fit Cycling done, anyway. And it’s the best (balloon count wise) that I’ve ever done. I got all of the balloons that I know the position of. But apparently that wasn’t enough. So I wrote them all out to see how many I got. 16. There are 20. There are 4 balloons hidden somewhere. I guess tomorrow I should spend more time searching. I suspect there might be one hidden in the maze of the city. It would be a good place to hide. There are so many buildings and you’d have to check the alleys in between each of them. I really need to shower and wash my hair, but I can’t now that Kessa is awake. And I wanted to finish my Wii Fitting, too. I need to lose weight. I hate hanging on the border of normal and overweight. I want to get further into the normal zone. I wonder if I’m actually 5’5”. That would make a difference in my BMI for sure. I’ll have to remember to have BJ measure me tonight.

I really don’t have a whole lot I want to do today. It’s just that the things I want to get done are mostly things that I wanted to get done during her morning nap. Wii Fit. Shower. Hair. I’d love to take a nap, but that may have to wait until her afternoon nap.

I wonder if she’s teething again. Her second top tooth is really close. She didn’t suck her fingers when I put her down in her crib. That is often a telling sign. She sucks her fingers to self-soothe, but when her teeth hurt, she won’t put her fingers in. Maybe I should have put some Ora-Gel on or given her some Tylenol. I may have to try that for her next nap if she won’t suck on her fingers again. I need her to sleep. You know the saying, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Well, that might be true. But I think it goes a step further. “If baby ain’t happy, Momma ain’t happy. And if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Also, “ain’t” is a funny word to look at when you type it multiple times. I wonder where it came from. It’s not a contraction of anything I know. Perhaps it’s an accent thing? Maybe it’s a legit contraction of something in a Southern accent.

Kessa has been quiet for the last couple of paragraphs. That is good. Maybe she really is going back to sleep. But what can I do? Her crib shares a wall with the shower. Will I wake her back up if I shower? But I’m sweaty and gross. I need one. I suppose I could use the other shower. It’s at least on the other side of the bathroom. Is it worth moving all my stuff to the other bathroom? Showers don’t always wake her up. Usually I take one during her morning nap and she’s fine. Often I even have time to dry and straighten my hair before she wakes up. Sometimes I feel like I’m being held a slave to my baby. It’s a really good thing that I love her to death.

I suppose I could just take a nap. And just be sweaty in my nap. I could always shower later and just feel gross all morning. I could also do more Wii Fit. I still have over 100 calories to burn. I can do that in about 20ish minutes, though. If I do Super Hula Hoop (10 min) and Expert Boxing (10 min). But I’m not really in the mood. Remember? Lack of sleep = bad mood.

At least BJ did the dishes last night. Now I don’t have an excessively dirty kitchen to taunt me as well. There’s still a bit of a mess, though. Mostly from this morning. I guess I could use my time to clean. That’s good to do in my sweaty clothes. Cuz then if I get them dirty while cleaning, it’s ok.

I have a fear that this blog is often going to be filled with “I’m in a rotten mood and need to just get everything out.” Because that’s often when I need to talk and don’t want to. I know BJ wants me to talk during those times, but what’s the point of saying “This is wrong and I hate this and blah, blah, blah” when I know that tomorrow, none of those things will matter? The only times those talks are helpful is if he’s doing something to bug me. Because then I tell him and either a) I realize that it really isn’t that big of a deal and I’m just being silly or b) he realizes that he’s doing something to bug me, and he hadn’t realized, and he agrees to stop doing it. Both of them lead to happier Tianna. But what good does it do to whine and complain about everything that’s going wrong when I know that the only reason it’s bugging me is because I didn’t get enough sleep?

Really. I can handle not having Internet. People did it for thousands of years. I’ve done it before. Internet is not my life. It’s just that I’m in a bad mood, so it’s something I can blame part of my bad mood upon. It’s a scapegoat for my foul temper.

I just need a nap. Maybe I should go take a nap right now. Leave the house a mess and my body gross and just sleep. Because then maybe I can handle life this afternoon.

I’m just afraid that if I go take a nap, Kessa is going to wake up in the middle of deep sleep and then I’ll just be more tired later.

Y’know, being a stay-at-home mom really is exhausting. It’s funny. I can take a nap, but that’s part of why my job is tiring. Because I’m afraid that taking a nap will make me more tired. Where is the logic in that?

What is it about rambling about absolutely nothing that I find so therapeutic? I do this when I type, especially. I can go on and on and on about absolutely nothing. Maybe I find typing therapeutic? I suppose that’s possible. Except I don’t think it’s my fingers. I think it’s my brain. I really do think that it’s good for me to just funnel excess thought out of my brain. Let it rest. It’s nice not to have to think about what I’m thinking. Does that make sense? I can let it flow out of my fingers without caring about what is coming out. I can just type without thought to composition. I don’t need to worry about fragmented sentences. I don’t have to put like thoughts alike. If I wanted to just throw something completely random in here, I could. If I have a thought that corresponds to something I said earlier, but I’ve moved past that topic, I can. Doesn’t matter.

I really need to get to bed earlier.

It’s hard to go to bed early. That’s my time with BJ. I want to be with him. But I’m also so tired. I just need make our few evening hours together more worth it. From Kessa’s bedtime to her dream feed, I need to just spend time with BJ. Kick the Internet, Wii, books, everything, out the window. Just spend time with him. Though, it is sometimes nice to just both sit on the couch and read together. Somehow, reading a book is different than the computer.

I don’t know.

My nap time is wasting away. Why am I still sitting here writing? She’s been asleep for awhile now. Maybe I’m safe to start my typical nap-time routine again?

Maybe I’ll just go shower. I can finish Wii Fit later. Boxing and Hula Hoop don’t make me sweaty. And I desperately need to wash my hair. It hurts. I’ll bet that contributes to me being Mrs. Grumpypants.

Hrumph.

Free Writing

I've been listening to Harry Potter lately and have recently been reminded of the Pensieve. It is a basin in which one can store one's thoughts and memories when the mind has become too full to hold them. At first, Harry has no idea what that feels like. More and more lately, I have felt like that. My brain is just full and swirling. There are so many ideas and random thoughts swirling through my brain that I feel like I'm going to explode. I just need to get them out onto paper. And so I pull out paper and have no idea what to write. Is it a to do list? Is it a feeling? A spiritual prompting? Is it a thought that has no words? Is it just gibberish? So more often than not, the page stays blank.

When BJ and I were first dating, he would often ask me out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" Often I'd be able to tell him. Other times, though, I'd have to translate my thoughts into words, and it wasn't always easy. I vividly remember telling him once, "I'm not sure. But it's red." Or another time I recall telling him that it was a map, kind of like the kind you'd see on the inside front cover of a fantasy book. And that there were pine trees being drawn. And there was a hole in the middle.

For the majority of my life I've had thoughts that just don't make sense in words. Colors, shapes, pictures. I've often considered asking other people if they think like that, too, but I've never really known how to explain what I'm asking. So I just don't. After dating BJ, though, and having opportunity to try to translate thought into words, I found it was kind of fun. It was a wonderful outlet. Sure, BJ still probably didn't know what I was actually thinking, but he was closer to me in a way that no one had ever before considered.

Tonight I had a lot on my mind. It started with Taralyn and sorrow and death and love and gratitude. I blogged about that, though, and still my mind whirled. I fed Kessa and thought about how nice it would be to just free write. Just write. No thought to format, or even making sense to anyone but me. I thought about blogging, but would anyone else care? But would I ever read it again if it was just on a file on my computer? Probably not. And then I thought of a Pensieve and how nice it would be to just pull thoughts out of my head. What if there really were a medium in which thoughts could make sense? What would it look like to someone else to put their head in my Pensieve and see my thoughts? Would they see the same random shapes that I do? Dumbledore says a Pensieve holds thoughts and memories, but we only experience the memories in the books. What would thought look like?

The two thoughts merged and a free writing blog was born. Tianna's Pensieve. Here are my thoughts. Maybe even sometimes my memories. I give no guarantees that they'll ever make sense. But I want to write. I don't care if anyone ever reads it. I want an outlet. I want to become good at writing, and I'll never do that if I never write.

I think it might be working. My brain isn't swirling so fast now. More a gentle swirl. This is much more comfortable. It's blue, in case your curious. But that at least makes sense. At least, it does to me.