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I bought a swimming suit today. A tankini. My first tankini ever. I used to be opposed to them because they were still a two-piece. Over time I stopped really caring, but still never saw myself buying one. Last year we went to Lake Powell and all the girls there except me had tankinis and it was proven to me over the course of a week that not only can tankinis be perfectly modest, but much more convenient when you want to do things like go to the bathroom. I was sold. There was also the fact that I had a newborn baby and my body wasn't exactly, err… my pre-pregnancy size. So I couldn't use my cute bathing suit I had purchased only a few years prior. Oh no. I had to go back to one I bought at the beginning of college that has this loose fabric on the front that hides any excess belly. Why I bought that as a freshman in college, I have no idea. I liked the color? (Which, btw, was brown. Various shades of brown.) So the thought of a tankini appealed to me. If one part of me happens to grow bigger than another, I can just replace that part instead of the entire swimming suit! Marvelous idea, really.

So I was walking through CostCo today when I happened upon a stall of swimming suits. Modest swimming suits. Tankinis. Cute tankinis. So I started browsing, finding one I liked, then called BJ to say, "Hey. Do you think we'll be swimming any time this summer? Should I buy a tankini?" He agreed that I should. (What ever happened to being frugal!?) (Also note, by buying a tankini we must now make swimming a priority!) So I glanced through the sizing chart, pretending I remembered my measurements. Gone are the days where I can casually pick up a small and throw it into my cart. Even the days where I might stop and consider, "Maybe I should step up to a medium." Nope. I went straight to the medium, sighed, then went for the large. I held it up, I stretched, I pulled, and I thought it'd fit. Unfortunately, CostCo doesn't have changing rooms. So I figured I'd take it home and if it didn't fit, I'd bring it back and go up a size (heaven forbid). Then I looked at the different bottoms. The traditional panty-like bottom, or a skirt. Well, I seriously dislike the panty-bottom, so I went for the skirt. (PS, this proves that I still have not recovered my full brain-power after pregnancy. Why? Because a tankini top and a skirt bottom do not a modest swimsuit make! In fact, very much not so! [sigh] Of course I didn't realize this until I got home to try it on…)

So I tried it on and noticed several things. One, as we just discussed, I needed a bottom beneath the skirt. Two, halter top bathing suits don't work for me. Nor did the lacy trim under my breasts. See, I have a very unusual body shape. I have a large bust and hips, but really narrow shoulders. So anything that emphasizes my bust in turn emphasizes how small my shoulders are and I suddenly look like an upside-down pyramid. Not attractive! So I took it back. I found the same print on a traditional strapped top and some nice solid brown bottoms and brought them home.

But first I stopped at Walmart where I had a rather stupid emotional experience at the checkout that I won't get to here, but can be summed up with the checker chastising me for not using the dividers, and me helping out the lady in front of me that didn't have quite enough cash to pay for her purchases. Mix that with me being a girl that cries at Hallmark commercials and… well, I think you get the picture. My emotions were ripe for the picking.

So I get home and I try on the tankini. Good points: 1) The bottoms weren't as bad as I feared. Sure, they show off my sexy cottage cheese thighs, but whatever. I can always wrap up in a towel when I'm out of the water. 2) The traditional straps work much better on my shoulders. Much more flattering. 3) The tankini top is long and (obviously) stretchy. It should last for a few years and various pre-, post- and pregnancy phases and shapes. At least belly-wise. Bad point: My bust is way too big for it's own good. I don't understand how I'm not a bigger cup size than I am. Seriously? It has been plaguing me since partway through pregnancy when I started having to buy a new bra every month or so because I outgrew my last one. So, without getting into too many details (y'know, in case anyone ever reads this…), let's just say that I'm a wee bit big on the bottom and side.

I've dealt with this sort of thing before. (Btw, I hate bra shopping. Brings me to tears almost every time.) My first reaction was to roll my eyes and chuckle humorlessly. My next reaction was to run out to BJ and exclaim, "Am I seriously going to have to buy an XL because my breasts are so huge?!" And then I proceeded to sit in his lap, bury my head in his shoulder, and cry.

Don't worry. He's a good husband and he held me, let me cry, then comforted me. He reminded me of things like the fact that I'll be weaning Kessa soon and will probably drop in size a bit. And he told me that he honestly couldn't see anything. (Ok, fair enough. He doesn't know to look for the love-handle off the side, and the bottom portion was still covered up by fabric. I think that one would be more a lack of support and comfort thing than a visual problem.) That boy really does know how to make me feel better.

Still don't know if I'll keep it and hope for the best or return it and save the money for a future purchase when I actually know what my size will be during swimming season. (Nor do I know what future pregnancy #2 will do to my bust size. ARGH. I HATE THE UNKNOWN!)

Mix this all with the fact that I've been trying to lose weight for months now, and thus very conscious of my weight and size. (Even though, I must admit, even I don't think I look fat yet. Even if the Wii Fit tells me I'm borderline overweight.) Result? A very tragic, emotional day.

So… actual thoughtful part of this post. If I were to go into a tailor and have her make me a swimming suit from just my measurements, when it came back fitting perfectly, I would have left happy. Instead, I went to a store with sizes on the swimming suits. I took an arbitrary value and let it define my self-image. Had I been given a handful of swimming suits in different sizes (and perhaps each in a different color or pattern) to try on, I probably would have picked the one that fit best and I would have left happy. Instead I grabbed the size I hoped I was, was disappointed that even in the store it was obvious it wouldn't fit, moved up to the next (unfortunate, but I'm learning to deal with) size, found it mostly fit except one part, then burst into tears at the thought of moving on to the next, and largest size.

Is this a product of society? That I've learned what size I was once and still want to be, and thus any size larger than that thus makes me unacceptable? Am I really buying into the Skinny is Best motif? I didn't think I ever did. I thought it was stupid. But then again, I've always been skinny. (Stupid body shape notwithstanding.) I've never had to deal with all of my clothes suddenly not fitting before. I've never before toed the line of being overweight. It's really easy to say you believe one thing when you've never been tested personally. It's quite another thing to actually be in that position and wonder what you really believe.

How do I fix this? How do I recreate my perception of myself? How do I look for clothes that fit and ignore the sizes? Heh. For that matter, how do I find clothes that fit at all? (Have I mentioned my stupid body shape yet?) (Perhaps calling my body shape 'stupid' isn't the best way to change my self-perception, eh?)

I would test this resolve by going back to CostCo on Monday and exchanging my top for an XL, but today was the last day they were selling them. I was too distraught earlier to make yet another trip and to cave and get an XL. I still have the option of simply returning it. Maybe I'll have to wait for another, less emotional, day and try it on again. Also keeping in mind that my breast size fluctuates all the time during the day. I dunno. Do I do that? Do I just return it? Do I keep it and hope my chest shrinks when I wean? Do I return it and buy another one later when I know my actual (for that moment anyway) size? (At, probably, a much higher price.)

Ugh. I need sleep. G'night vast world.